Hopscotch
by HarmonyMarguerite
Summary: Uhh... It's a paradoy folks: Harry and Snape take down Voldemort and are thrust together. SSHP. No like, no read.


Title: Hopscotch  
  
Author: HarmonyMarguerite  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairing: SS/HP, passing AD/TR, AD/MM. I wouldn't worry about it.  
  
Summary: Umm.... Snape and Harry take down Voldemort in an AU, off the wall universe. Completely insane. Keep reading.  
  
NOTE: Once upon a time, (in a galexy, wait, wrong universe...) someone issued a challenge to use MST quotes in a story. She gave us a list of quotes, and set us free. I have still not seen anyone take up this challenge, and these quotes have been getting on my nerves. Now, probably a year or more later, here is an answer to that challenge. Oops...  
  
Disclaimer: It all belongs to JKR, yadda. I do not own, am not making money. If I was, would I be worried about next years tuition?  
  
**************  
Hopscotch  
by HarmonyMarguerite  
  
Three people stood outside a cave on the side of the hill on a cold winter day. The tallest of the three, a dark haired man, didn't seem to be bothered by the cold. He was looking around impatiently. In Severus Snape's mind, there was much more he could be doing rather than standing in the freezing wind guarding two annoying Gryffindors, and awaiting a mangy mutt.  
  
His two companions had no clue such unflattering thoughts were going through their teacher's mind about them. Then again, considering that they were Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, they might have a very good idea what was going through their Professor's mind. But such vacuums of snarkiness are best left alone, or so Ron thought. What Harry thought was vastly unknown, especially to him. He was still working through seventeen-year-old hormones, so we'll ignore him for the time being.  
  
"Where is that mutt? I have tests that need creating." Snape muttered.  
  
Harry looked up from his makeshift shelter of three rocks and Ron, decided that it wasn't worth the comment, and went back to freezing. Ron growled.  
  
Suddenly barking was heard, and they all watched a large black dog bound over the hill.  
  
"Snuffles!" Cried Harry, struggling past the sharp pointy rock that cut, and leaping at the dog. Snuffles seemed overjoyed, and was attempting to lick every inch of the boy.  
  
"As touching as this reunion is, I would like to know why we have been called here!" Snape broke in the happy shouts and growls.  
  
Snuffles, or Sirius, barked, trying to communicate his point with canine efficiency.  
  
"Don't give me that 'wolf' crap! I want an answer!" Snape, uh, er, snapped.  
  
With a huff, or the doggie equivalent, Sirius returned to human form. "You're here because this is the back entrance to Voldemort's cave."  
  
"You know," Harry mused. "You'd think if he was going to rule the world, he'd chose a better spot than a cave."  
  
"I don't think he means it to be permanent." Snape said.  
  
"I know. Still…" And Harry fell silent, staring at the entrance.  
  
After a moment of silence and confused staring, Sirius continued. "Albus would like Harry and Snape to go inside and see what he's doing. Ron and I will stay at the entrance and wait for you to return."  
  
"Do I have to?" Harry asked. "I really hadn't planned on using today to make sure Dumbledore's boyfriend isn't cheating on him."  
  
"Squick." Sirius said.  
  
"Oh come on Harry, where's your sense of adventure?" Ron asked, disappointed in his friend.  
  
"Uh, that's in my other pants."  
  
"Thank you for that imagery, Potter." Snape could have done without hearing about Harry's pants. Which happened to be nice fitting leather today. It fit the young man very nicely in fact, they seemed almost tailored… no! Bad Snape! With a mental slap, Snape turned back to the conversation.  
  
Just in time to hear Harry yell, "Get bent! Is that official enough for you?"  
  
Snape thinks he'll just ignore the rest of this conversation.  
  
Ron handed Harry a few knives and other fun tools like that. "At least you seem to be excellently equipped."  
  
"Thank you!" Harry cried happily. "I didn't think you could tell through these trousers."  
  
More mentioning of pants. Snape needed to sit. Or leave.  
  
"On that note, why don't we go? The sooner we finish this ridiculous mission, the sooner we can be back at Hogwarts." Snape motioned to the cave.  
  
"Right." Harry started to enter.  
  
"Wait!" Sirius called. "Just remember: The wings of the butterfly can tip many scales. But the butterflies beauty can make enemies sing."  
  
They stared at him. Snape spoke first. "I don't get it. Is it cool to make no sense? Is it hip to be vague?"  
  
"Stop watching Stargate, Sirius." Harry advised. "I think that Oma character has gotten to your head."  
  
"I have just one question." Ron said. "How will we know if you lost?"  
  
Snape answered before Harry could. "In a few days, if you have to drag out our rotting, broken carcasses, it means it didn't really work out very well."  
  
Harry and Snape entered the cave. The very dark cave. And wet. And dark…  
  
"We can't use magic, Voldemort will sense it. How are we supposed to see?" Snape grumbled.  
  
Harry pulled out a flashlight, and turned it on. (Don't ask where he was storing it; we really don't want to know.) He giggled at Snape's face. "I thought we would need it. I am on fire today! I am HOT! I turn *myself* on!"  
  
*That's not the only thing you turn on.* Snape thought. (He was talking about the flashlight. Really.) "Moving on…"  
  
They walked, and walked, and walked. Once, they even jogged to break up the pattern. It was just more fun that way. Soon after the jogging, they came upon a puddle of goo. It looked like chocolate. They stared.  
  
"Boy," said Harry. "I bet that'd be scary if we could make out what it was."  
  
Snape looked for a few seconds. "I sure hope that's pudding…"  
  
"Why don't you taste it to see?" Harry suggested.  
  
"After you, Mr. Potter. It was your idea."  
  
Harry suddenly decided that tasting the strange puddle wasn't going to be much fun. They moved on. And came upon Voldemort in a meeting with his Death Eaters.  
  
Naturally, being the heroes, they came upon the part where they got to hear Voldemort's evil plan.  
  
Voldemort pointed to Malfoy, senior that is. "This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now *he's* pleasing!"  
  
And they were wishing they weren't the heroes anymore.  
  
"Let's strip him!" Called a random Death Eater. Other random Death Eaters herded Malfoy out, thus getting rid of all the Death Eaters. Aren't the random ones the best?  
  
When they were all gone, Voldemort reached into a box and pulled out a tiara. The prisoners in the cage screamed in terror as Voldemort began to sing.  
  
"Rosemary's red." He howled.  
  
"Oh my God, he's playing dress up! No! NO!!!" Snape backed up in terror.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "So much for the element of surprise. Thanks."  
  
"I'll be with you in a moment." Voldemort called over the screams. "I'm just sealing some fates." With a flick of his wand, the screams stopped.  
  
"Why does he have to kill them to prove his point?" Harry wondered. "Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?"  
  
"I don't think he killed them, yet. I think he just put up a silencing charm." Snape pointed out.  
  
"Did you have to say that? You interrupted my musing on the evilness."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Is that you, Potter?" Voldemort asked, approaching their corner.  
  
"Nope." Harry stepped out. "Hi, I'm a candy bar. Break off bits and enjoy me all day long."  
  
After a moment of silence, Voldemort recovered. "What are you doing here? Have you finally come to your senses, and agreed to join me." See the hearts in his eyes?  
  
"No." Harry replied. "I wanted to play hopscotch with the impenetrable mystery of existence, but he stepped in a wormhole and had to go in early. Can I play with you?"  
  
"Hopscotch?" Asked Voldemort. Apparently, it was the only word he understood out of that sentence.  
  
"I'm amazed that you managed to say that Potter." Snape looked impressed, and wasn't that the point? "I hope you didn't get any of that tattooed anyplace important."  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Harry winked.  
  
Snape needed to sit again, thank you.  
  
Voldemort grabbed Harry and dragged him to the center of the room. "What do you think of my new home, Potter? It's not much, but I call it Hell."  
  
"I like the design, it's very nice. And the colors add so much to the overall evil feel. Have you ever thought of going professional? I know so many aspiring evil overlords that would kill to have a place like this."  
  
Snape sat near the cage, and turned to someone inside. "I never thought the end of the world be so annoying."  
  
"Did Albus send you here to spy on me?" Voldemort asked.  
  
"Well, yes." Harry admitted. As if it wasn't obvious. "But there's a bonus if you get killed."  
  
"Oh, isn't that nice?" Voldemort smiled. "Tiara?"  
  
"No thank you."  
  
"Snape? Tiara? Bracelet?"  
  
"No thank you. I don't think the gold ones suite me." Snape pointed to the several gold crowns Voldemort had collected.  
  
"No, I suppose not." Voldemort eyed them objectively. "Too bad I don't have silver. That would go well with your hair, don't you think, Potter?"  
  
"Oh yes, nicely."  
  
Voldemort sighed. "I suppose I shall have to kill you now."  
  
"Oh that's too bad." Snape said. "We were having such nice conversations too."  
  
"Yes, we were." Voldemort sighed again.  
  
"Just out of curiosity." Harry mused. "Why can't you be a normal person for once, and get a job? Rise to the top of the bureaucracy lawfully. Then play Hitler, and become dictator. A lot less people would oppose you."  
  
"It's after the apocalypse!" Voldemort whined. "Nobody's hiring!"  
  
"Progress!" Snape suddenly shouted, drawing everyone's attention. "*That's* what my career lacks!"  
  
They stared.  
  
"Well, it is." Snape muttered.  
  
"That it is." Harry grinned.  
  
"Well, you first, Potter, since you're the one that's committed such heinous crimes against me."  
  
"What?! Snape yelled. "His only crime was being born delicious! I mean… Wait, that came out wrong…"  
  
"No." Sighed Harry. "The problem would be that nothing came out at all."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Snape scowled.  
  
"Is it dark in that closet?"  
  
They stared at each other for a few silent moments. Voldemort broke the staring contest.  
  
"I just have one question before I kill you Potter."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"How do pop tarts work?"  
  
Harry stared. "You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle."  
  
Voldemort mumbled something unintelligible.  
  
Snape stood. "Could you please state that in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death?"  
  
Snape and Harry pointed their wands at Voldemort, who muttered another thing. After pausing to let a tingling feeling pass through them, they shouted the killing curse, and Voldemort was no more. Yay!  
  
Harry giggled with delight, and for no reason at all apparently, threw himself at Snape. "Now, use plenty of lip and tongue action." He said, before kissing Snape.  
  
Snape was in shock for a few moments before realizing that he had a very enthusiastic young man squirming all over his front. Well, there was only one thing to do.  
  
"Hey, what about us?" A voice called.  
  
With much reluctance, Snape separated from Harry. "Oh yes." He waved his wand, and the caged people were set free. They quickly made themselves scarce. "Now where were we? Ah, yes, I believe I had my tongue down your throat."  
  
"There's no need to be formal, Mr. Snape. Please, take off your pants." Harry replied with a grin.  
  
And then they were on the floor…. Use your imaginations folks.  
  
*********************************  
  
When Snape woke up, not having remembered losing consciousness in the first place, Harry was sitting by his bed in the hospital wing.  
  
"What happened?" He muttered.  
  
"We blacked out. Apparently, we used a lot of energy fighting Voldemort. But, not to worry. The fact that we woke up means we'll be fine!"  
  
"Albus tell you that?"  
  
"Yep! Two things happened. One, Voldemort's gone."  
  
"Permanently?"  
  
"Oh yes. We took good care of him. Albus is very proud of us."  
  
"Good. Now, hopefully, he'll spend more time with Minerva and get that old bat out of my hair."  
  
"Oh, and uh, we're married. That's the other thing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeah. That last spell that Voldie threw at us was part of a marriage spell. Dumbledore had to finish it while you were unconscious. So we're married now!" Harry grinned.  
  
"Excuse me. I'm going to go toss myself out the window."  
  
"Look at it this way, Snape. You get a free trial sample! Try *me* for a week!"  
  
"You're assuming I liked you in the first place. I give not a crap for thee."  
  
"Nope, you can't give me that. We did it, and you know it! You can't resist me! All you can do is splash me on in the morning and wear the great smell of *me* all day long!"  
  
"My heart quickens with anticipation." Snape growled. He got up to get dressed, shaking off Harry's attempts to help.  
  
"I'm so concerned, I felt compelled to touch you." Harry explained.  
  
Snape immediately felt safer with trousers and a shirt on.  
  
"Sir, I have to warn you." Harry approached him. "No self respecting wizard would have his shirt unbuttoned that far. Especially with predators like me around… sir."  
  
Snape growled and attempted to leave. Harry followed him to the dungeons.  
  
"What are you doing Potter?!"  
  
"I told you sir. We're married now. So I sleep in your rooms now!"  
  
"I don't like slumber parties now that I'm in my forties."  
  
Harry's eyes flew open wide, but he decided the smart course would be to not comment.  
  
Snape continued to growl at Harry from his place on the couch. Harry decided to sit on the floor. Picking up a book he had conveniently brought in earlier, he began to sing.  
  
"I'm getting married in the morning. Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime!"  
  
"Shut up Potter."  
  
"Don't fight it sir, you know you have a desire for me."  
  
"I 'desire' you to stop singing."  
  
"Oh bite me, sir. It's fun!" Snape stared. Harry decided to use this to his tactical advantage, and move into Snape's lap. "After all," he whispered." I'm not just for breakfast anymore."  
  
"Potter, haven't you learned anything I tried to teach you? This isn't appropriate."  
  
"Oh, I learned a lot from you sir. I remember one of the first things you drilled into me -- was you!"  
  
"Remind me to hit you later."  
  
"Spanking time! Kinky."  
  
Just for that, Snape smacked him now.  
  
"Ow! That hurt."  
  
"I can't tell you how richly satisfying this is."  
  
"I'm a naughty boy!" Harry pouted as Snape lay him on the couch and then lay on top. "Naughty, naughty, naughty!"  
  
"We'll see." Snape muttered, just before his tongue met Harry's tonsils.  
  
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Harry and Severus defeated Voldemort and lived happily ever after together. You have my word of honor that the story I have been telling is the truth… Okay, mixed with a little fiction… All right, I'm lying my butt off… Have a nice day anyway!  
  
Fins  
**************************  
  
Oww... My head hurts. Please don't blame me. I only wrote what the quotes wanted me to... 


End file.
